A Fly on the Wall

Posted on | June 13, 2012 | 5 Comments

So today was my niece’s elementary school graduation party.  Like any of my family’s gatherings I was paying close attention so I could report the insanity to y’all!

Let’s start with the “promotion” or graduation ceremony.  To my surprise we had to take our own folding chairs.  I didn’t realize that it was a picnic style type of ceremony.  As the principal was giving her little speech I noticed that the majority of the parents and family were all looking down.  Nobody was paying attention and instead they were all checking their phones.  My brother was playing solitaire, my sister in law was texting, I was Facebooking and my mom was texting me even though I was sitting right next to her.  The good thing was that it didn’t last too long.

Now we can move on to the lunch at one of millions of Mexican restaurants in this town.  My mom, brother and I drove separately so we got there first and sat together.  The rest of the graduation party got there about 10 minutes later and by then we were already talking trash in Spanish.  What follows are some snippets of some of the things that were discussed on this side of the table:

Brother: So mom, whatever happen to our uncle Albaro?
Mom: I found him on Facebook…
Brother: How long was he in jail?
Me: WTF?!?!  Who and why was this person in jail?
Brother: He got caught trafficking.
Me: (Looking at my mom) For real?
Mom: Yeah, in Germany.
Me: So we have a murderer and a trafficker in the family.  Nice!

And there go all the Colombian stereotypes.  At lunch I find out that my family contributed a couple of decades ago to the classic Scarface stereotype that everyone has of us Colombians.

At this point my brother is just working the table/my mom for interesting conversation knowing that I can’t keep my mouth shut.  I was born without the jean that filters bullshit from coming out of my mouth and if I can make the conversation uncomfortable I for sure will jump at the chance.

Brother: So mom, what did you think we would grow up to be?  Did you expect us to graduate from college?
Mom: Yes, I thought you would all be very successful.
Me: C’mon, let’s be honest here.  You just hoped we finish high school.
Brother: Yeah, be honest.  What did you think my sister would grow up to be?
Mom:  I knew she would get into the medical field and no surprised she ended up being a nurse.
Brother: What about him (me)?
Me: Yeah, did you think I’d end up this crazy?
Mom: Yes, you were always different.
(Snap!)
Me: I was always lazy and that’s why I went to college.
Mom: Yeah you were never the one to use your hands much.
Me: True, matter of fact the only thing I like to do with my hands I do alone in my room.
(Mom drops her head into her hands in embarrassment and brother just about falls off his chair)
Me: Mom, I think you and I are at a point in our relationship where we can communicate this way.
Brother: There’s your son for you.  Always with his especial way of communicating.  So what about me?
Me: Did you just hope he have hair when he grew up?
(Mom busts out laughing)
Mom: You were always very curious.  You were always trying to get things done.
(I’m still laughing at the hair crack)

So our lunch continues and the recent wedding of one of our friends comes up in the conversation.  My 8 year old nephew decides to jump in the conversation.

Me:  Michael, do you know what it means to be Jewish.
Michael: No!
Me: Once you become Jewish you get the power of seeing through things.  Kind of like the x-ray vision Superman has.
Michael: Huh!
Me: Yes and if your Catholic you can read minds, Mormons can tell the future and Christians can travel through time.  Now go pick you a religion and may God be with you.

At this point we finished up our lunch and were about to leave when I had one more thing to add.

Me:  Hannah!  Did you know that if you make a fist with your left hand, squeeze your left thumb, then put your right index finger down your throat. NO GAG REFLEX?
Hannah: LET’S TRY IT!

As it turns out, it was true!

And there is a small view into the craziness that is my family.  We love and hate each other but we’d kill you in a heartbeat if you mess with one of us.

Don’t forget, you’re not alone!

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